Where Do You Find Love?
Toxic relationship is not the right place. Toxic relationships are dangerous, poisonous and unhealthy for your wellbeing. Despite the psychological scars and emotional trauma it leave on it’s victim, it is possible for victims to heal from their pain. When we think about toxic relationship, often we think about the abuser and the victim. In reality, toxic relationship can be broken into two groups. This article discusses the two groups followed by three main areas which are: signs of a toxic relationship, ending a toxic relationship as well as healing from a toxic relationship. In addition, a solution for healing from this type of relationship will be offered.
Group One: These are people who abuse their significant other by making their love relationship very toxic for their significant other.
Group Two: These are made up of victims of abuse, who have become toxic themselves to have a relationship with. For example, have you ever met someone and, on the first date, he or she rips through the opposite sex and insists how terrible men or women are? These are people in group two.
How does it Begin?
Most toxic relationships begin with abuse. Victims of toxic relationships say they did not know their partner was toxic before they became involved with the person. This is because most toxic relationships develop from a normal relationship. How does a normal relationship become toxic? Those who have experienced it say that it begins as minor verbal abuse or minor controlling in a relationship, and slowly escalated. There is a close similarity between the process by which victims of abuse and that of toxic relationship accept their predicament. For example, Victims of abuse go through the three stages of abuse before accepting the abuse,
Abhor stage: At this stage, the first time the person is abused, the person abhor the experience
Tolerance Stage: By this stage, the person being abuse begins to tolerate the abuse hoping that it will stop.
Acceptance Stage: At this stage, the victim accepts that abuse and most often feel that it is their fault for being abuse or that they deserve it or caused it so they accept it. Victims of toxic relationship go through similar stages where they first abhor the relationship for being toxic, then slowly they tolerate it and finally accept it.
Signs of a Toxic Relationship
There are obvious signs of a toxic relationship that you should look for. Those who draw others into toxic relationships are often people who say that they weren’t loved, cared for, or acknowledged during their childhood. When you meet someone, it is critical to pay attention to their words. These people can be very articulate and charming at first. That is the part that draws in their victims. If you miss this, you still have second chance. Abusers accuse their victims of the exact things that they are doing to their victims. For example, the abuser may say things like, “you are so controlling” or “you are trying to manipulate the situation” etc. Many abusers are handsome, educated men who have a void –for example, lack of being loved as a child-in them. Because of this void, many admit to having a lack of love for their partners.
Toxic relationships really are a two-edged sword. Why? Because they hurt the abuser as well as the victim. What I have seen from my clients is that, in all cases, the abusers seem to have sociopathic tendencies. They don’t care about the pain they inflict—although it ruins their love relationships and even sometimes their career.
What Victims Should Know
If you are in a toxic relationship, you must understand this. Your abuser cannot stop. Why is that? In my view, it is because the abuse has become a habit so deeply embedded in the abusers brain that it has become part of the way they function. Further, people who draw others into toxic love relationships may not be aware of the damage they are causing.
The Danger of Being in a Toxic Relationship
It is very dangerous to be in a toxic relationship. For example there is very good chance that you will become toxic yourself and begin to treat your abuser the same way he or she treats you. This is known as ‘Identifying with the Abuser’. If you ever find yourself in a toxic relationship, try to understand why you are being treated in a manner that hurts you, and then decide if you should remain in the relationship to attempt to heal it or if you should move on.
The excerpt below is taken from my book Do’s and Don’ts of Relationships. It explains some of the damaging effects of toxic relationships.
Understanding Toxic Relationships
The end result of a toxic relationship is devastating and may require some form of healing or counselling. It is the kind of relationship that can leave you emotionally drained, sap your energy, and leave you severely broken up spiritually as well as emotionally, leaving you with a feeling of emptiness. In many cases victims may feel the need to seek revenge. The victim’s symptoms may be anger, discouragement, frustration, emotional pain, the feeling of not being beautiful or desirable, loss of hope, afraid to trust and the wish to give up. Toxic relationships leave the victim scared for many years and for some, a lifetime.
Men and women who inflict these kinds of devastating pain on their partners generally show signs of abuse in one form or another from their own past. The abuse could have occurred during their childhood, it could be that they were emotionally abused by their parents when they were teens, etc., and they have not healed before going into a love relationship. The red flags to look for when you are in a relationship with a person who may be a threat to your emotional health are mood swings, short temper, inconsistencies in what they say, denial and impulsive behaviours. The abuser will sometimes acknowledge that the way he or she is treating you is wrong but may not be able to take the necessary steps to stop. When they do try, they generally give up very easily.
When confronted about their abusive behaviour, they often say things like, “Oh, you are blowing everything out of proportion.” Sometimes these abusers will say things like, “It is your fault I am treating you the way I am.” Unfortunately, some victims accept the blame that they are the cause of what is being done to them. This type of acceptance can lead to other problems. Sociopaths or abusers blame their partners and will not accept responsibility. Clearly one can notice the inconsistencies in their behaviour and words. They are not able to comprehend the pain they inflict on their partners due to their sociopathic nature. Their feelings are numb, and they may only exhibit these feelings from time to time. Their feelings are not very deep due to the damage caused by the abuse they experienced in their past.
People Who Love Toxic Relationships
Many victims who break away from toxic relationships toy with the idea of returning to their abusers. Some return if the abuser offers a simple apology. Unfortunately, an apology is not enough, as it will not constitute a change in the abuser’s behaviour. Many victims often do decide to return or remain with their abuser. Some victims reason that at least they’ll have someone.
How to End Toxic Relationship
Ending a toxic relationship is not easy. A Toxic relationship is never good, ever. Sadly, too many women stay, in the hope that the abuser will change. Experts say it’s important for abusers to acknowledge the wrongs they have committed and assure the victim that they will not repeat the abuse again. In my view, the best way for ending a toxic relationship is to involve a therapist. If the abuser refuses therapy, you, the victim, have go it alone so that you can heal or learn to manage the hurt that you have been put through, so that you don’t end up becoming toxic yourself by carrying all the pain into your next relationship. It is only when you leave without looking back or missing your abuser or considering going back to the abuser that you can say you have successfully brought and ending to the toxic relationship.
Healing from a Toxic Relationship
There are a number of ways to heal from toxic relationship. I will list them starting with the most effective to the least effective
- Forgive the abuser. In fact, forgiving the person is so powerful that you set yourself free and allow you to take control of your life instead of the abuser control you.
- Letting it go also works miracle. Here is the reason why. The abuser may not – I have never known one who has admitted doing wrong-acknowledge what he or she has done and may not even accept that he or she has done anything wrong.
- Talk about it. But first, you must leave the environment.
- Get professional help
As you can see, and despite what victims of toxic relationship are put through, all the emotional pain, the psychological abuse, etc, healing from toxic relationship is possible.
If you will like to learn more about why people are toxic in a relationship, how to healing from toxic, avoiding toxic and abusive relationship, and things of that nature, please go here to download our book which has a sections dedicated to this topic.